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Is that time again! That time of year when children are out of school, beaches are full and Black Women have to defend our choices.
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AEIA Respectability Politics
[00:00:00] You may have witnessed or heard of the spectacular trailblazing musical performance of Beyoncé Knowles Carter at Coachella, the annual festival held in the California city of the same name. It was notable for several reasons. First, she was the first black woman to headline a Coachella festival.
And second, she incorporated several ornaments of black American culture, the black American college homecoming, the marching band. The steppers and then she sang a portion of Lift Every Voice and Sing the Negro National anthem. But she also played a piece of a speech from Malcolm X, and then she sang pop songs, r and b songs, hip hop.
She had costume changes. She did a whole. Amazing. I think it was like two [00:01:00] hours long performance. I just remember being awake watching that at like, I think it was like one o'clock in the morning, two o'clock in the morning because it was streaming live and then, but it was streaming live from California and just being like, wow, I cannot believe she did this.
She took it there. She put all the blackness on display. And you look into the audience and you see black faces, white faces, and Coachella is, a diverse festival. You see people from all over the place. But, this was the first time that... An artist had gone there, a woman had gone there, a black woman had gone there and put blackness and sensuality and culture on display.
And of course that should have been essentially the end of what Plagues our community, and that is [00:02:00] respectability politics. It should have been the end of it for at least black women. It should have been the end of respectability politics for us, but that has not been the end. I've got some explaining to do. Let's get into it. Hey there, Allians and newcomers, welcome [00:03:00] back for another episode of Ayanna Explains It All, the podcast hosted by the black Muslim lady lawyer who has an opinion on everything. Born and raised in the hood, now living in the suburbs of Northeast Ohio, tending to my children and my garden and trying to avoid all of this Barbie madness.
Listen, when I was growing up. I had played with Barbie for a little bit, but my favorite doll was Jem. Jem and the Holograms, that was it for me. It was all Jem. I didn't give a hoot about Barbie. And then they made Barbie and the Rockers to try to compete with Jem, and she still couldn't compete. I know who won, okay?
You don't have to tell me. Anyway, Aiyana Explains It All is the podcast that is available on 14 different streaming platforms including YouTube, Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, the [00:04:00] flagship Spotify podcast, Google Podcasts, and wherever you listen to podcasts, Aiyana Explains It All is there. Pull it up, share it with a friend.
Support the podcast by listening, sharing, subscribing, going to the website. That is www. ayanaexplainsitall. com. That's A Y A N A explainsitall. com. You can leave a review. You can listen to past episodes. I have all of the episodes available on the website. You can listen to them directly from the website, or you can link to any of our podcast streaming feeds from the website. You can also follow me on social media. All of the links to my social media are on the website as well, but the podcast itself is available on Twitter, Instagram. TikTok and Facebook.
And personally, my social media, the host Ayana Fakir, my social media [00:05:00] handles are Ayana R. Fakir on Facebook. I am Law Girl, L A W G U R R L on TikTok, Instagram. And there are all these new social media platforms and I, I hope I grabbed up enough of them so that I could have my username be the same across all of the social media platforms, but I'm also on threads and spill as law girl L.
But, um, I have a nice community over on Instagram and Facebook really, but Facebook has gotten, it's slowed down a bit. It's slowed down a bit. But, uh, you can also follow me on the [00:06:00] Twitter L A W G U R R L.
If you want to support the podcast, go to the website. That's AyanaExplainsItAll. com and there are several ways for you to support the podcast
I take compliments and I take criticisms all the same, honestly., what I do here is I bridge the gap between current events and human behavior.
And I do that by taking a specific topic, something I noticed in the news or online or in my personal life, and I connect it to human behavior. And then I, you know, I'll explain the history behind things and, and I'll explain the nuances and the intersectionalities, the intellect, the economics, as much as I possibly can.
I cite to a lot of new sources in my episodes and I always include those sources in the show notes on the website. And I think they do make it over to most of the streaming sites, although it might not. [00:07:00] But if you are looking for that information, if you, if you want to know what Um, what articles or, or books or whatever that I've cited to in an, in a particular episode, you can always look on the website.
I keep transcripts of most episodes over there too. Um, it's a lot of work for each episode. Like I only started it with season two and this will be season two, episode 19 that I am recording on. July the 14th of Friday of 2023. So I've only gotten transcripts converted over for season two and I'm still working on season one.
So again, go to the website, share the podcast with a friend, a family member, loved one and unloved one. You tell them that. You heard something spectacular, something life affirming, life changing, something great, and you want them to hear it too. Tell them you heard it on [00:08:00] Ayana Explains It All podcast and let them listen to it.
Warn them. I cuss a little bit, sometimes a lot. Sometimes I get very passionate and the F bombs and the MF bombs and the SHITs just come flying out of my mouth. And if that bothers you, I am so sorry. I am very sorry, but I'm not going to stop. That is how I talk. That is how I talk. Okay. I know. But you know, people, not everybody is comfortable with that.
But harsh language is sometimes needed to get these themes across to you people, especially when I have to talk about something more than once, and that's fine because when we talk about people's stories, when we share our stories about the discrimination and, um, sexism and racism we've faced, we've faced, for instance, it helps people to understand [00:09:00] that there are parts of society that are not.
supportive of its members. It shows people what the real world is like. It shows people what's really going on. It shows people that we have diverse experiences and that, but it also doesn't sugar coat anything. You know, we live in a society where people are constantly,
you know, we're not, it's not a post racial society if we're still dealing with What I'm going to talk about today, respectability politics. It's not a post racial society. If we're still having to argue for the protection of black women, argue for the health of black women when we are pregnant and delivering and post pregnancy, we're not in a post racial society.
And I know it feels like I've been, um, heavy on the black women [00:10:00] topics lately, but you know what? It's my podcast. I can talk about whatever I want. I, I just, these, these things often come up and I don't want to harp on it. I don't want to be like, Oh, I'm talking about this again. I'm talking about this again.
I'm talking about this again. But really. Um, the more you are aware of what is going on, the more you're going to talk about it, the more you're going to change your attitude. I feel attitudes change when people are talking about these things a lot more. And that is what I want to happen. This is one of those things where attitudes.
need to change more than anything else. And that's hard because people are, you know, it's my opinion. It's a free country. I can do what I want and I can say what I want. Yeah. Sometimes the things you say and the things you do are harmful to the people around you. Think about it.
This episode is about respectability politics and [00:11:00] respectability politics refers to A social phenomenon where marginalized individuals or groups attempt to gain acceptance or respect from the dominant culture by conforming to its norms and values. And I'll tell you what brought this up for me because every once in a while it comes up in reference to the behavior of a black woman.
It was Beyonce in 2017, but then it'll be, it's Cardi B, it's Megan Thee Stallion, it's Vice President Harris, it happens to black men too. It happens to women, but more so to black women. So that's why I'm focusing on black women, but it comes up usually when there's a celebrity.
woman, black woman, who's, and I'm going to use quotations acting out of character for how people believe a black [00:12:00] woman should act. Yeah. There's a certain way that black women are supposed to act, dress, talk. Date, spend their money. There are certain things we're supposed to do, you know, because we're still slaves apparently.
No, I'm kidding. But there's, there's a costume that we're supposed to wear and there's a certain manner of speaking that we're supposed to get, give, and there's a dignified way we're supposed to act and it all comes to bear on us and it affects our mental health and our physical health. But something happened in the news recently.
And pop culture news recently, where an actress named Kiki Palmer, we all know who she is, or you should know who she is. She's been acting since she was I think 10 years old, but now she's a TV producer, movie producer. She hosts her own podcast. She's been a TV host. [00:13:00] She, um, I think she sings too. Didn't she have some songs?
She had an album. I mean, this woman has done it all. This woman has done it all and she recently gave birth to her first child and that has drawn upon her some criticism that is unfair. It's unfair, but it happens to a lot of black women when we get into the spotlight, when they become famous, when they get a high powered job or career, when they start making money, when they, you know, all of a sudden you're supposed to be one way in order to be accepted.
You have to, you know, wear blouses and skirts at your knees and opaque tights and kitten heels so that people will want to believe you, respect you, love you, accept you. So that they will feel comfortable around you so that you won't [00:14:00] draw their ire. And black women draw the ire of especially black men all the time.
There are a lot of, like on Twitter, I always see these conversations that women have about men being their biggest haters. And I've experienced that in my own life. I've talked about this before, how in the past and relationships, and I've been married and divorced, how I was belittled for how I was, how I was belittled or dismissed for my thoughts, for my ideas, for even my career.
I'm an attorney and that was somehow seen as a threat to the men that I was with and they felt like they had to compete with me, which was utterly ridiculous. If you're married to someone, you know, their money is your money. Your money is their money. You having a good career only elevates your relationship.
It certainly elevates your economic status because you know, you have two people working [00:15:00] and people making money is good, right? No, it's not. Especially if the man you are with is not making as much money as you or he works an unskilled job and you work a skilled job or if he's white collar and you're blue collar, you're, you're some, you're supposed to.
not make him feel like less of a man because he doesn't have the career status that you have. And it's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's just bullshit. I don't care what anybody says. If you feel threatened by a job that someone has That's your problem. That is your problem. That's your insecurity, and it's for you to deal with.
If you feel threatened by your woman wearing a sheer dress to the club, and she's got a bra and panties on, that's your problem, not her problem. Other people's attitudes are not The problem [00:16:00] of the person who is the target of their negativity, it is the problem of the person who is being negative. That's all it is.
But we try to make our opinions other people's problems. We put our opinions on women's bodies all the time. We put our opinions on women's behavior all the time. We don't do the same to the level that it is done to women is not done to men, but when it comes to black women, Oh my goodness. And it's awful because we are also more than any more than the men. We are the head of our households. And so we're in these leadership positions in, in our homes and probably on our jobs. But then we're told that. We're the reason why society is failing or that black men are in prison or the reason why, children don't do well in school is because the mother [00:17:00] works outside of the home and all of these, societal problems are put on us. Because we either work or we don't work, you know, we're on public assistance, we're on welfare, or we work and we work too much, or we want to party and we party too much, or we want to go on vacation but we go on too many vacations, or we want to date but we have too many boyfriends, and it's like at birth you want to give black women, you know, a list of how many things is appropriate for her to have in her life, right?
Because that's how we're treated. There's a certain acceptable number of things a woman, a black woman can have in order for her to not be reamed by the men in her community. And it's fucking ridiculous. It's so ridiculous, but you know what? [00:18:00] respectability politics more, but I just want to say. For the record, I'm so glad that there are so many young women who are railing against this bullshit, who are looking at this and going, I don't think so, and who are determining and who are determining for themselves.
What their life will look like, what their behavior will look like, what their body will look like, where they're going to go, where they're going to live, if they're going to have children, what they are going to do with their lives, how many partners they're going to have, they are determining these things for themselves because they have looked at society and seen that no matter how good black women have been to this country, we are devalued and dismissed and abandoned We are treated in a manner that is not fitting of our humanity, [00:19:00] but also we have seen people be successful in determining for themselves what their destiny will be.
And we want that. We're entitled to it. Everyone is. You are free to determine, you know, you live in the United States. This is a Constitutional democracy. You've got life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. That is your, those are your rights. All of the Constitution, all of the Bill of Rights, those are your rights.
When people are telling you that you can only have certain things because you are a black woman when you can only dress a certain way and work at a certain job, we need more black doctors in gynecology, in psychology. We need more. We need more. We need more black women in political positions. We need more black women in civil service positions.
Representation indeed [00:20:00] matters. We need to see it because when we see it, we believe that we can do as well and we want to do it. And then we work towards that. And that is what we do when you grow up. And all you see are the women who are doing hair and the women who are in the service industry.
No knock to them. I mean, that's what you're going to want to do. I had, I had black teachers, obviously in, in high school, I had black women teachers. In junior high school too. I had black teachers. They were all women until I got to college. And that is when I had my first black teacher, but he wasn't a teacher.
He was a professor. He was a tenured professor. So first time I'd had a black male educator. It was incredible. And then after him, I didn't have one again until I went to law school. And one time I had a black male educator. It's incredible. [00:21:00] It is incredible. And I don't know if this stuff is being done on purpose, but it has to be systemic because how else do you explain this?
How else do you explain this?
There's no other explanation except that it is a systemic oppression that is keeping black women, especially. out of certain industries. Now, if you're a black woman, you want to be a teacher. That's great. There are a lot of black women who are teachers. There are a lot of black women who are nurses, lot of black women who are, um, cosmetologist on their own businesses, on their own hair businesses, a lot of black women who do that.
Nothing wrong with it, but we need more black women in the other facets of our life. We just do. [00:22:00] It's important. It's important to see that we could do anything. We believe we can do anything. We actually can. So why aren't we doing it? And I feel like more of the young people are getting into different career fields than what they saw growing up.
The only reason I wanted to be a lawyer that I knew anything about being a lawyer was because I watched TV and the TV show that I watched and enjoyed watching had a black woman who was an attorney. And she was sharp and fierce and kind of scary,
but she was amazing and she made money and they lived in a really nice house. And that's what I wanted. I wanted that. So I said right then and there, I'm going to be a lawyer. And that was it. Of course, I did also say I wanted to be an astronaut and then I had an astronaut cabbage patch doll. But more than anything, I wanted to [00:23:00] be a lawyer,
so getting back on track to respectability politics
As I said before, respectability politics refers to a social phenomenon where marginalized individuals or groups attempt to gain acceptance or respect. from the dominant culture by conforming to its norms and values. It involves adopting a certain appearance, behavior, or attitude to distance one's self from negative stereotypes and prejudice.
Now, while respectability politics may be seen as a survival strategy, indeed, you want to fly under the radar, you want to go along to get along. And as we are known to say, fake it till you make it. It has also been criticized for reinforcing systemic oppression and [00:24:00] shifting the burden of change onto the marginalized rather than challenging the underlying biases and structures of power.
And of course, as I said before, who has carried the brunt of this? Who has carried the burden of change more than anyone in American society? Black people, specifically black women. But respectability politics is a complex concept. And when we focus on how it intersects, With the experiences of black women, we uncover even more layers of complexity.
We want to challenge these things. Instead, the burden of change has been placed on us. And who has felt this more than anyone in American society? Black [00:25:00] people, even more black women. In the context of Black women doing what society expects or following norms in order to be seen as respectable or acceptable this takes on unique challenges and implications. And earlier I mentioned actress and TV host Kiki Palmer.
But she was made recently the center of the news cycle when her partner, the father of her son, expressed his dismay at her outfit choice for a night out at the Usher Raymond show in Las Vegas. Usher has a Las Vegas resident residency. He does this phenomenal show and in, in like with most concert venues, there's a VIP section and usually it's [00:26:00] celebrities sitting in the section and Usher will make his way down there and he'll pick out a woman and he'll serenade her.
Or he'll pick out a couple. And I saw this recently, he picked out a couple and thought the guy was going to propose to his girlfriend and he didn't, but he goes out into the audience to connect with them. He sees Kiki Palmer out in the audience. And of course they probably go way back. Usher's been making music since he was a teenager.
Kiki Palmer has been in the entertainment industry since she was 10 years old. He saw her. And he went to serenade her. I mean, why not? And she had on this gorgeous dress. It was sheer. And she had, you know, her little booty cheeks was out. And her hair was beautiful and her makeup was beautiful. And she just looked gorgeous.
I mean, since she had her son. She has just been like [00:27:00] glowing on top of glowing on top of glowing on top of glowing. Just feel just growing into her womanhood, you know? And when you think about Kiki, like we've known her since she was a little girl, since she was a key land, the B and you see her now and she's a woman.
I mean, she's just. Spectacular. And she's doing all of these wonderful things. You know, she's a black woman in the entertainment industry trying to bring fresh eyes, fresh entertainment, fresh ideas to the scene. She's a power player in the entertainment industry. And she just happens to go to a concert with some friends of hers.
And Usher comes down and serenades her. And of course the video of it makes it it's rounds on social media. And some people are like, Oh, okay, go Kiki. And then there are others who are like, what is she wearing? Why is she wearing that? Where is her boyfriend? Why is he not there with [00:28:00] her? Has he seen the video?
And of course, he sees the video. And he tweets this. And I'm going to read it in its entirety as he wrote it. Because I don't want anyone to be misconstrued. His first tweet said, You a mom. Which, you know.
He went on to add that after he was criticized for saying this and I believe fairly criticized, that's just me. The criticism he got, the blowback that he got is fair and warranted and earned because A woman becomes successful and she puts herself out there and she's living her life and here come all the fucking haters.
Here come all the haters. This has happened to every black [00:29:00] woman in the entertainment industry. It has happened to all of them. Here come the haters. Here come the people telling her that she's doing the wrong things or she's trying to be too much like white people or she's not black enough or she's too black or she's wearing sexy clothes.
She's too sexy. Or look at the way she's dancing. Why is she doing that in front of white people? Why is she doing this where children can see? Why is she, you know, why is she fat and she's wearing a thong? Why is she fat and wearing a, uh, a form fitting dress, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And these are black women who are killing it, you know, Grammys, Oscars, sold out world tours, you know, number one albums, number one movies, number one this, number one that.
And people are just sitting in their hatin ass little cars or in their hatin ass little [00:30:00] homes on their hatin ass laptops saying hater ass shit, sending hater ass messages. Hater ass tweets trying to tear these women down all because they do not look, act, think, dress in a manner they believe a black woman should act, think, look, dress, and it's fucking ridiculous, but when your partner does it to you publicly, oh, that's a sting.
That's a sting that no medicine can cure, honey. And I have been there. You can't. There's no getting past that. There just isn't in my opinion. If they're comfortable disrespecting you like that in public with their words, trying to chop you down, cut you down with their words. Imagine what they're saying to you in private and I, and it's not any better in private.
To be quite honest, it's worse. But also [00:31:00] you, just as an aside, don't put your family shit on display like that. Come on now. But in a second tweet, after he got criticized, Mr. Darius is his name, went on to add that We live in a generation, and I'm just doing a funny voice just because, where a man of the family doesn't want the wife and mother of his kids, the wife and mother to his kids to showcase booty cheeks, to please others, and he gets told how much of a hater he is.
This is my family and my representation. I have standards and morals to what I believe. I rest my case. What was your case?
What the fuck was your case? You didn't even make an argument. All you did was whine about your girl wearing a dress where you could see her butt. Which, by the way, if she wants [00:32:00] to wear that, she's fucking free to do that. And number two, you have also posted a video. Of your woman, you know, doing a little bit of butt clapping and some sheer like pants on your social media.
Number three, we do these things for ourselves. Most women, we do these things for ourselves. We get dressed up. We want to feel beautiful. We want to feel pretty. We want to feel sexy. We want to look sexy. We do this for ourselves. There were people who will say, no, women are doing it for other women.
They're doing it for men, blah, blah, blah. We are doing it for ourselves. It makes us feel good and we have every right to. It's none of your fucking business. By the way, we don't owe anybody, anybody, any explanation. You are not owed an explanation in the fact that you expect one says more [00:33:00] about your self esteem than it does about the person who is the target of your complaint says more about you than them.
When you walk around thinking that people owe you explanations for what they say, what they do, how they dress, how they talk, how they act says more about you than them. Now, I grew up in a conservative religious environment and I still am a part of a conservative religious environment because that's Islam.
It's conservative, but it's also liberal in some leanings. But you know, women dress a certain way, men dress a certain way. You don't say these things, you don't talk about these things, and, and it just, it grinds my gears to be quite honest, that Muslim women have to constantly portray ourselves as being soft, as being soft and accommodating, as being thoughtful and helpful [00:34:00] and, You know, bending over backwards and the ideal mom and the ideal spouse and the ideal daughter.
And fuck me, I do not want to do any of that. That striving for perfection can drive you mentally over the edge, producing you anxiety and depression. And you don't need any of that shit. And I can tell you a lot of women, if you look at your life and who, what you're doing, the people in your life, how you're making yourself, how you're putting yourself, uh, in a service position to the people in your life, you will also find the source of your depression and anxiety.
Some of the time it will be because of this. Because you are striving to be everything for these people, everything you are giving everything you're giving more than what you have to give. And it's because you are programmed to believe that this is going to get you closer [00:35:00] to God.
When if you want to get closer to God, just go get close to God, honey.
You're not going to find God through your spouse or your kids. God is. God is in on his throne in heaven. He's available 24 seven for you. You don't need to go through anybody else to get to him. You don't need to serve anyone to get to him. You just go straight to him. That's Islam. All this other shit that people are doing.
That's, that's cultural or that's what they want to do or that's their mistaken belief about what they have to do. No, you don't have to be a good spouse, a good mother. You don't have to be anything. You could be, you could be a shit mother, be a shit spouse. We don't have to be good. And I'm not saying this because I'm encouraging people to be bad.
You can be whatever the fuck you want. Is it better to be, you know, a good person and a good parent? Absolutely. Absolutely. But if it ain't in you, honey, then let it go. A lot of us are driving [00:36:00] ourselves to the absolute brink of insanity, trying to be good. When we're tired, don't have the energy. We don't have the want the desire to do it.
We don't like the people we live with. We don't like our spouses. We don't like our parents. You know, our kids are getting on our fucking nerves. And it's okay, it's okay, but we're not allowed to feel that way because we're told that we have to be in service to these people in order to earn God's favor.
It's garbage. It's garbage. Because what if this person is never pleased with you? What if you're doing everything right that you think is right? You know, three meals a day and you're washing the clothes and you're fixing the, the rips and tears in the socks and they still come home and spit on you or they cheat on you or your kid is doing bad in school and misbehaving in school and you think that it's a [00:37:00] reflection of you.
You think it's because you're not doing what you're supposed to do. That's garbage. That's a garbage way of thinking. But this is what's put on us, you know? And I don't know if Mr. Darius knows this or not. I don't know if a lot of men know this or not, but women are no longer property of their fathers and husbands.
We're not their property. That junk went out with the end of the suffrage movement and then with the women's liberation movement and even more with the civil rights movement and then in the 1980s when women were doing it for themselves and in the 1990s when we had to remind everyone that we're 90s girls who won't be used for sex.
I think that was a song. And then in the 2000s. When we finally said, fuck it, it's a new millennium and showed as much [00:38:00] and said as much and did as much as we wanted because it's a new century. And we realized that if we're making money and maintaining a career and taking care of household responsibilities, and yes, even raising kids that we can determine for ourselves What the moral, what the morals and standards are for our bodies and our behaviors.
We fought discrimination on every level in hiring, education, medicine, law, housing, banking and trade industries and in white collar industries. We own businesses. We are religious leaders, civic leaders, political leaders. Why are we still being relegated to these respectable stereotypes that we have to confront?
to be accepted into society in order for people to feel comfortable with us. In order for people to not criticize us, we have to change the [00:39:00] way we dress and look and act, especially when we become mothers, right? You become a mother. Suddenly you have to be, that's your entire fucking personality and you have to let go of your, your sexiness and your, you know, your confidence.
You have to let go of your career. You have to let go, let go, let go. And then you have to be soft and loving and nurturing. And you have to sit at home and suckle with your baby. It's no, no, no, no, no. A lot of the times, many of us don't even know how to fucking raise a child. We don't even know. We don't even know.
But certainly we know that we don't have to let go of anything. To become a mother. And this is why so many young women are deciding not to have kids because people are telling them that once you have a kid, oh, [00:40:00] your life is over. It's over. You're not going to be able to go out. You won't be able to hang out with your friends.
You won't be able to travel. You won't be able to do this. You'll have to give up your career. People don't tell men this. People don't tell men this. And it's especially worse for black women because we're blamed for all of the ills of our community. If, especially if we're single parents, we're blamed for how everything turns out.
So of course we're going to want to be at home with the kids, but then we're told that we're, you know, welfare queen. So we have to go to work too. Don't leave your kids with a babysitter. Don't let the babysitter raise your kids. We can't fucking win. We can't fucking win. We want to win, but we're conceding all of our power to these opinions and attitudes, this respectability politics and it's killing us.
And for all of the Beyonce's and [00:41:00] Keke Palmer's and Michelle Obama's and Kamala Harris's that we have out there in society, there's still this attitude. That black women have to be a certain way, look, dress, act a certain way in order to be accepted into society, in order to be accepted into social circles, in order to be accepted even into a fucking pool, even into a fucking public pool.
It's ridiculous. It is ridiculous. It is awful. It's crummy. It's stupid. And now people saw what happened to Kiki, to Kiki Palmer and brought up, uh, boundaries and relationships and defended Mr. Darius by saying, Oh, he was just setting boundaries for his relationship and they are incorrect. Boundaries are for you, not the person who you're mad at.
They're for you. A boundary is not something you put on a person. [00:42:00] It's something you carry with You carry for yourself. You carry it for you to protect you from behavior you find problematic. And certainly, Mr. Darius, if you don't like seeing your girl...
In that dress, getting serenaded by Usher, you are free to leave. You're always free to leave. You're always free to leave. Or you could change your attitude. That is the better option. That's the better choice. Change your attitude. Because you're not going to stop Kiki Palmer. Hell no. You can't stop. You can't stop a lot of women out here just by saying you don't like the way she looks in a dress.
Number one, who cares? Number two, why care? But Mr. Darius is free to leave Kiki Palmer. He's free. He doesn't like the way she dresses. He doesn't like, since she became a mom and she's sexy out there, and he doesn't like the way that she's acting. He's free to leave. It doesn't mean that she has to [00:43:00] change anything. See? That's how boundaries work.
She doesn't have to change a thing. He can leave. Or he can change. He's the one with the problem. Usually when someone is violating your boundaries, you don't stick around. You don't try to force them to change. They get the message when you no longer talk to them or hang out with them. Or, you know, Whatever it is you people do when you're mad at your, your spouse, don't do the silent treatment.
That is unfair. That's unfair and it's actually abusive. But, but you want someone to respect your boundaries. They are either going to do it or they are not. But boundaries are for the person who's setting them, right?
So, but black women have long navigated a complex landscape where we face both [00:44:00] gender and racial discrimination and respectability politics can manifest. In various ways for us, as we are expected to, as I said before, adhere to societal standards of femininity, beauty, and behavior, while also contending with stereotypes and biases specific to our race.
We had to be the Aunt Jemima at home and in the streets. We had to be the mammy at home. And in the streets, we are not slaves. However, we are not mammies. We are not grinning pancake slingers. So young man, Mr. Darius and anyone else who agrees with him, understand that our norms, values and boundaries are just that ours and your norms, values and boundaries are just that.
Yours. No one has to live by them except you. And if you are dissatisfied with the reception, your norms, values, and boundaries [00:45:00] received, then you are free to be alone. Separate yourself from people who feel disregarded, who disregard your feelings. You don't have to stay with Kiki Palmer if she's not the right type for you, but you will not change her to fit your mood or short sighted, narrow minded view of women.
And yes, black men have been the center of respectability politics as well. You know, the good Negro, the obedient Negro, the good slave, the suit wearing. Don't say nothing. When we make fun of your accent, hair, clothes, Negro, the, no matter what you do, who you are, where you went to school, you're just a black man in America, Negro.
And so because of that, you would think it would be, it would be sensical for them to work with us to smash this all together, to change these attitudes, to challenge these biases. But instead, black men are turning on us. They are turning on us. And Kiki [00:46:00] Palmer said in a recent interview with, uh, The Cut, she said that after having her baby, she got so much more powerful and she strengthened in a crazy way, she said.
She said that she's strutting her stuff. And enjoying it, she thinks she said that I think before I even had the baby, I was really actually quite self conscious in a way that you would expect considering the kind of work that I do as a public figure, always trying to be on point with my body and always trying to make sure I'm taking care of this and that.
There's a lot of physical attention being slim and being fit in a particular way was always something that I was gunning for. She says, after having the baby, my body got so much bigger and I started getting fluff in areas I never had before. She goes, she goes on to say, I was trying to work with my trainer and he was just like, well, we are never going to try and get your body back.
But. [00:47:00] Back to how it was before a baby, because you birthed a child, it's not something to hide. It's something to embrace, lean into your new body. And so women Should be allowed to evolve and change and lean into that lean into who they have become without the criticism without drawing the unfair opinions of what they look like and how they move the moves that they make the careers that we choose.
Black women should not be made to conform to societal norms to be accepted, period. We don't have to dress a certain way or act a certain way anymore to be accepted. It was once illegal to show our hair in public and now we have to fight for the personal right to wear hair bonnets in public. I talked about that on an episode from season one [00:48:00] about hijabs and hair bonnets and the argument still goes on.
Black men who are making fun of, who are criticizing, who are doing entire think pieces and podcast episodes on black women who wear hair bonnets in public. And there are even black women who are on board this because it looks unseemly. It makes them look unkempt. It makes them look like they lack seriousness.
It makes them look unprofessional. It makes them look like they don't care about their appearance. Listen. And so. So the fuck what? If I wake up one day, I mean, I, I work from home and if you could see me how I look when I work from home, I don't give a fuck. I don't care. Even when I'm not working from home, I will wear whatever the hell I want.
I love makeup and I love pretty hijabs and I love pretty dresses, but I also love [00:49:00] jeans and pants. I like skinny jeans and socks and Nike. I love my Air Force Ones and I love my Chuck Taylors. Love them. Hate dress shoes. Hate them. I wear Chuck Taylors with a dress and people will talk their shit and I don't give a fuck.
This is my body, my clothes, my body. And also, you know, if you're not paying for any of this and even if you are paying for it, it's still my body. I'm still independent. I am free. We do this because we are free. We are free. We fought to be free so that we could do and live and think and be however we want.
That's why we fought to be free because it is inhumane to keep a person. It is inhumane to keep a person, to own a person, to oppress a person. It is in hu mane. God gives us free will. [00:50:00] One of the gifts, one of his many gifts to us is freewill. So oppressing someone, owning someone is actually antithetical to that gift, to that power that God has, that God used to bestow this upon us.
It's antithetical to God, to theology. It is the opposite of godliness. It is the opposite of mercy and kindness. But here we are. Oppressing the fuck out of each other. And you think oppression is just, it's systemic. No, oppression is attitudes to behavior. It's attitudes. A lot of people have oppressive attitudes and they use that to keep women, especially black women down.
They use it to beat us down. They use it to keep us relegated to a certain level of society. Black men are [00:51:00] scared because we're passing them, we're surpassing them. And why are you scared? We're weird. So what? So what? Because then we go on to raise black boys who become black men. So you should be thankful that we're out that we're ahead because we are more than you.
Heads of the households, single parents. And hell, maybe it's because we want to, it's not always because we want to, it's because we had no choice because you left or you died, didn't want to be around. Don't get mad at us for succeeding. Don't get mad at black women for succeeding and determining for ourselves what is appropriate for us.
Don't get mad. And this is something that I've seen a lot on my social medias. [00:52:00] When I post a video of, uh, black people doing something, it could be anything, eating, walking, driving, uh, anything, fighting, dancing. If it's any kind of like negative, even a touch of negativity. There are mostly black people who will get on in the comments and say, I am so sick of black people.
Why do, why do we act like this? It's getting harder and harder to defend us. And my response is always the same. You hold black people to an impossible standard of perfection. None of us is perfect. None of us will ever be perfect. We don't even have to fucking be perfect. We don't have to be perfect for you to love us and accept us, for you to protect us.
For you to defend us. But even more so than that, you ain't got to defend us. Nobody's asking you to defend [00:53:00] black people, no matter what, to love black people, no matter what. That's not what we're asking for. And even more, we all. Act fucking stupid at one time or another. We're all out here fighting and singing and dancing and causing car crashes and stealing and robbing and murdering and pillaging and we're all doing it.
Just because you see more videos of black people doing it doesn't mean that other people aren't doing it, honey. You can't, you don't be obtuse. Don't be daft. And you don't have to defend black people. You can find one black person that you love and defend them, but you ain't got to defend all of us.
That's not your job. But we do have to get out of each other's way. and respectability politics is in the way. This is the barrier that we need to dismantle.
The detrimental [00:54:00] effects of respectability politics on black women's autonomy and the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes is clear. Internally, black women may feel pressure to present ourselves in a way that challenges negative stereotypes. We might alter our speech, hairstyles, or clothing to fit into a narrow definition of respectability.
I know every time I opened my mouth as a young girl, I was told that I was A white girl, you sound like a white girl when you talk. And so I would go, well, I'm, I'm from East Cleveland, Ohio. I'll show you something to prove that, to prove that I'm black and I'm tough. Or when I got around white people, I would have to put that to the side.
They called it code switching. That's what it's called when you change it up depending on where you are, depending on the environment you are in when you should just be yourself everywhere you [00:55:00] go. I finally had to say, fuck it. This is exhausting. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm not doing code switching.
I'm not doing it. Fuck it. This is how I talk. This is how I am. You either like it or you don't take it or leave it. Hopefully you take it because I want to grow my podcast,
but From the days of slavery, when respectability was used as a tool to gain limited privileges, to the present day where respectability is often used as a defense against discrimination, the burden placed on Black women to conform has been deeply ingrained. And externally, black women face a constant battle against the unfair judgments and prejudice that pers against the unfair judgments and prejudices that persist regardless of how respectable they present themselves, regardless of how respectable [00:56:00] we present ourselves, regardless of how respectable we present ourselves.
The belief that respectability will eradicate systemic racism also is a flawed notion as racism persists irrespective of an individual's appearance or behavior. So you're not going to convince them that you're okay by dressing up in a certain manner by speaking in a certain manner. They're still going to hate you because of your race.
Black women face a constant battle against stereotypes and micro aggressions. And I posit that this is a greater struggle for black women because the stereotypes we're pushing back against are the ones created by our oppressors. The sassy black, the welfare queen, the mean mom, the big fat church going mother or granny.
These were tropes made by leaders of the entertainment and [00:57:00] ad industries, perpetuated through pop culture and TV, movies and radios, plays and musicals, and eventually adopted by people in our own communities and used against us. These things have been used against us by our own people in our own communities.
Black respectability politics also intersects with issues of class, gender, and sexuality within our community. It can inadvertently perpetuate divisions and exclude those who do not conform to these narrow standards. We must acknowledge. In order to get past this, we must acknowledge the diverse experiences and identities within the black community and ensure inclusivity and acceptance for all, which sounds, you know, idealistic, but that's what has to happen.
And of course, Black respectability politics [00:58:00] often stems from the historical struggle for equality and acceptance in a predominantly white society. It compels Black individuals to present ourselves in ways that challenge negative stereotypes and conform to traditional values, which can range from speech patterns to clothing choices.
Beyonce certainly had some interesting clothing choices at Coachella and, you know, on the Run Tour and the Renaissance Festival and whenever she performs and people always have something to say about it. I think she looks gorgeous. She looks gorgeous. She looks beautiful. She's doing something that not a lot of people can do and that is dance and sing at the same time.
But sometimes, and I know that there are times that women who work in an entertainment industry have found themselves thinking that they have to conform that they have [00:59:00] to That they have to conform to the traditional notions of how women should dress and act when they are out in the world. But no matter how respectable we may appear or act, we are still subjected to racialized sexism and devaluation.
The expectation to conform to respectability standards becomes a never ending cycle where the goalposts Keeps shifting. This pressure can have detrimental effects on black women's mental health and wellbeing. It forces us to suppress our authentic selves and perpetuates a cycle of self doubt. An internalized racism.
Now this desire to defy stereotypes can be seen as a survival strategy, a means to navigate a world too often, [01:00:00] a world that too often perpetuates harmful biases. However, it is important to recognize that this burden of respectability should not be solely placed on the marginalized, but rather on dismantling the oppressive systems that create these expectations.
And certainly I've talked about this in the past, but I've talked about misogynoir respectability. Politics overlaps with misogynoir. And that is the intersection of racism and sexism experienced by black women. Misogynoir recognizes that black women face unique forms of discrimination that are shaped by both our race and gender.
And it refers to the particular ways In which negative stereotypes, biases, and prejudice are directed at black women, often resulting in our marginalization and mistreatment. Black women are [01:01:00] hyper sexualized and objectified, of course, and the erasure. or devaluation of our achievements and contributions, the perpetuation of the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes about our intelligence or behavior and the underrepresentation of women in various domains including media, politics, and leadership positions shows the attitudes about black women are not only.
internal, but they are also systemic. So what people believe and think has now become not only how we feel about ourselves, but how we are treated in society. When we go to apply for a loan, when we go to date someone, when we want to buy a house, when we want a raise, [01:02:00] Or when we want a promotion, when we want to go to college, when we want to give birth, where we want to give birth, how we want to give birth.
Black women are often subjected to stereotypes that devalue our humanity and perpetuate harmful narratives. And despite our significant contributions to various fields, black women are often overlooked or marginalized, which hinders our recognition and progress. And because we are hyper sexualized, it would not be odd for any of us to tone down our sexuality so as to not seem overly eroticized.
We tone down our looks, our makeup, our clothes to be accepted and not viewed as what society may think of us, the negative stereotypes. We have to be proud and [01:03:00] smart and fighting and demure and in service to our men or employers or society in general. And it is disheartening, it is disheartening to hear that despite our achievements and the progress we have made that these issues persist.
And as I said before, they have a profound impact on the mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing of black women. It can result in decreased self esteem, heightened anxiety, and even physical health issues. It also affects our access to opportunities and resources leading to economic disparities and limited upward mobility.
The erasure. of our experiences from mainstream narratives can further isolate us and perpetuate a cycle of systemic oppression. Respectability does not work. [01:04:00] It is not our path to freedom. We are already free, but we are shrinking ourselves to fit the mold of an antiquated intellect of antiquated beliefs of antiquated schools of thought,
And believing that the lives of black women only matter. When we act right fuels dangerous stereotypes and ignores the diversity of our community humans are multi dimensional creatures and to ignore that protects the systemic prejudice and bigotry, the hatred that keeps us from flourishing, that narrows our opportunities and kills our drive for success in areas we never imagined.
Women do not shrink your womanhood, your sexy, your blackness, your personality. [01:05:00] Challenge your own biases. Shift the focus from individual black women like Kiki Palmer and Beyonce to dismantling systemic oppression overall, instead of placing the burden on individual black women.
On marginalized groups to conform, we should challenge societal norms and biases that perpetuate inequality. Recognizing and valuing the diverse experiences and identities of black women is crucial. It's also important to amplify and uplift the voices and experiences of black women, allowing us to define our own.
Narratives by supporting and advocating for our autonomy and self expression, we can break free from the [01:06:00] constraints of respectability politics. And let's not forget the importance of intersectionality. Respectability politics impacts black women differently based on factors like socioeconomic status, sexual orientation.
sexual orientation and disability by acknowledging and addressing these intersecting identities. We can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society. We create space by challenging respectability politics and dismantling oppressive structures. We create space for black women to. Thrive and be respected for who we are, not just how we conform to societal expectations.
Embracing diversity and challenging societal norms are essential steps towards a more inclusive and equitable [01:07:00] world. Not only that, we must foster self acceptance and challenge our own internal biases that often accompany respectability politics.
Embracing the various modes of self expression is vital.
And all of this requires ongoing dialogue, talking about the same things over and over, continuing to have these conversations, educating each other and ourselves and actively engaging resources and the people around us. That interdependence I spoke about in the episode on protecting black women to challenge these deep rooted dynamics together.
We can foster an environment where black individuals. Especially women are seen and valued for our inherent worth rather than our adherence [01:08:00] to social expectations. Keep questioning, keep learning, keep evolving. And this has been Ayanna Explains It All brought to you by Facts, Figures, and Enlightenment.
Take care.
